Brought to you by: Snohomish Medical Center – Health Care with a Heart
Fourteenth Avenue Fiasco
Knight Errant Security officials are conducting damage control this morning after an overnight robbery spree in the prestigious Royal Arms building has left tenants wondering about their saftey. Over a dozen luxury units were burglarized during the early evening, all without triggering a single alarm. KE spokesman Vijay Seetha stated that an investigation is underway to determine where the security breach occurred. He declined to comment on rumors that employees of the corporation were involved.
Unnamed sources report a male troll and two male orks leaving the area in the late evening. Lone Star officials have not yet released a statement on the incident.
New Drug Makes it by a Whisker
After two months of scrutiny by the Federal Drug Administration, Spectropharm has won approval for its new drug, Bearantin. The chemical, which will be available in pill, patch and injection form, blocks a receptor in the hair follicles of the face, preventing the growth of facial hair. Despite claims of unpleasant side effects, Bearantin will be on store shelves by the end of the week.
Approval of the drug has been plagued by reports of nausea, itching, impotence and excess salivation. Spectropharm spokesperson Janelle Mi blamed the interminable court challenges and rumors on Remington International and the Braun-Schick group of companies, who oppose the availability of an anti-follicular agent.
Opening Night Tensions
Tens of thousands of Excrement fans will be descending on Shiawase Center tonight for the opening performance by the London Thrash-Metal band. The Code Brown tour has been a smash hit, with sellout crowds in cities across North America. The unexpectedly high sales has prompted promoters to add performance dates in nearly every venue, including Seattle.
Security will be tight at Shiawase Center after the deadly riot last month. Disappointed fans destroyed dozens of cars and buildings after in-person-only ticket sales closed early, leaving thousands disappointed. Lone Star Security Services is expected to put on a show of force to prevent any incidents from marring the event. The policing service continues to face stiff criticism and an ongoing investigation into the deaths of twelve rioters.
Wayward Son Spotted at MicroDeck Break-in
Paul Simmonds, son of MicroDeck VP Jack Simmonds, may have been part of a small group of intruders that were spotted fleeing the corporation’s administrative headquarters in downtown Seattle yesterday . The younger Simmonds has been missing since early May, after an alleged disagreement with his father. MicroDeck Corporation has mounted a massive search for the last two months.
The details of yesterday’s incident have not been revealed, but sources within MicroDeck suggest that a raid was conducted on the Simmonds family residence inside the building. Several witnesses initially claimed that one of the five intruders was the missing man, but one later recanted the claim and two others have been unavailable for further comment.
Boston Socks it to Mariners
The Seattle Mariners were soundly thrashed last night in Shiawase Stadium by the Boston Red Sox. After the 15-0 pounding, coach Pat Burns refused comment, although insiders say he completely lost his cool in the dressing room after the game.
Mark Garibaldi’s slump continued, the former star pitching only three innings before being sent to the dressing room. Even hot rookie first baseman Martin Graine had an off night, striking out three times and hitting into a triple play to end the game.
Red Sox coach Campbell Valislov attributed the win to his player’s mental preparation. “They’ve been pumped for days about playing the Mariners. We had to hit them with everything we’ve got.” Rookie starter Kelly Fuhr recorded the win, while slugger Greg Watts notched a pair of home runs, ensuring Boston’s triumph.
Governor Announces Another Inquiry
Faced with growing outrage over the perceived use of excessive force by Lone Star security forces, Governor Kenneth Brackhaven has called for a public inquiry into the operations of the police contractor. This follows several incidents in recent months in which Lone Star officers have used deadly force to deal with various situations, including a street gang conflict, simple muggings, and the recent downtown riot.
Lone Star representatives have welcomed the inquiry, stating that they are “confident that the public will have their faith restored in the integrity, honesty and goodwill of our men and women in uniform.” Mr. Brackhaven’s political opponents have accused the Governor of trying to deflect public attention from the public inquiry into the activities of his cabinet, which has been plagued by accusations of influence peddling, insider trading and corruption.